Guess Who's Back.... Back Again...

Hi!

It has been too long since I wrote and to be frank, it is simply because I just didn't have the time or the energy after a long day. It has been hard enough getting my thoughts out in person so I just didn't have it in me to write.

things that are new:

I moved into a new apartment
Started my 4th year of university (one more semester to go after this)
Began researching for the Honours program
Started my position as a T.A.
Started feeling crappy again...
and well, back to the tiredness.

I know and understand that many women are diagnosed with hypothyroidism and that it is common to have an under acting thyroid. I just don't know of anyone else talking about it. It's not that I feel "sad" about my condition, or even pulling the "poor me" angle. I just think it is important to talk about things openly so those who have it don't feel alone and also those who don't understand my ever changing moods (haha, my poor boyfriend)

So anyways, after a few weeks of medication and feeling like things were finally changing for me I have come back to this wall that leave me frustrated. I am due to go for blood work next week and I am sure it will show that my thyroid is still in a low bracket range.

My symptoms of:
1. fatigue
2. hair loss
3. mood swings
4. no more weight loss or changes

have come back to slam me in the face. I guess I know this is a work in progress I just wish I could be on the right dose of medication immediately.. but I know that's not possible. I just want to feel better and get back to the happy healthy Kelsey. I have no patience what-so-ever which makes weight loss and also getting my thyroid in check a very stressful situation. I know I am not only uncomfortable with my body but also unhappy. I am completely aware of these things and try to change my eating habits and exercise but without my thyroid kicking into the play I almost feel at a up hill climb, where I get closer to the top and then the clouds had hidden the rest of the journey.

I know there is no "quick fix" solution or anything that will allow me to wake up the next day feeling the way I want, but after hard work and dedication I know I will one day be able to wake up and feel that way.. even if it takes longer than I want.

As a little, and big sister and an aspiring sociologist I know a lot about body image and how it makes us feel. As a big sister I want to constantly reassure my girls they are beautiful and that it does not define them. However, I am so bad at taking my own advice. Why do I let the scale dictate my feelings? Why do I let my insecurities take over my moods? and why do I let my frustrations out on those closest to me? Honestly, I don't think I will ever know the answers and I think that's okay. I hope I can learn through helping others that my advice is helpful. (I mean I don't own a scale, and for good reason). It's hard though being bombarded with adds everywhere we go? How can weight not be something we fixate over when even when we run into a convenience store we cannot approach the counter with magazines selling us "How Jennifer Lopez lost her weight!!" or Cosmo having a half naked woman on it. I just don't understand, is there a magazine out there with an "average woman" that says: recipes you'll love, how to better understand your body or better yet "How to avoid comparing yourself to billboard adds: THEY'RE PHOTOSHOPPED" Without the proper education on what is happening in society more and more girls will be more likely to end up with eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia and also trigger an over eating disorder as well. We as a society have an obligation to guide the young and defenceless and here we are skewing and warping their minds. Maybe I am mistaken, but there are bigger things to follow with our society that we cannot even imagine.

I think it is so important to remind people that sometimes even some messages that are meant to be good, and sending a "good" message can be lost in translation because of how many ways it can in fact be interpreted. I think it is fair to say that what we know is wrong and what society shows us often collides making how we feel about ourselves and our lives a little (or very) confusing. I can't speak for all women, I can't speak for all men, but I speak for myself when I say I want to raise a generation that knows about: media portrayal, misconceptions, body image, consent, sex education, health awareness, and also how to ask for help.

Body image is so much more than being able to be comfortable with your skin; its about being comfortable in it. 

Until next time,

Kelsey xoxo

Cravings and Comfort oh my!

After an entire week of clean eating with only a couple "slips" I am feel quite good. I mean as good as some one that isn't filling their body with "products" and now fuelling her body with food. I realized food can be my energy, comfort and not hurt. I am no longer experiencing the bloating and the pains after eating like I did in the beginning and my body is now starting to crave new things.

I made my own dark chocolate bites - yum right?! well those of you readers that know me, know that I am a complete chocoholic. I have had two a day and really not craved them like I normally would. I am   however hungry more often now that I am eating clean and I am told that is simply because my body is able to digest the foods much faster than anything processed or "products."

I go back for more blood work in September and I am anxious and excited to see the results. There is a good chance that nothing has changed, but if it hasn't then I keep working towards the change. Over the last 2 weeks of better eating, making sure I pack lunches, that I don't make excuses and fast meals don't have to be through a drive through window.

I also have been exercising regularly whether its swinging my kettlebell for 25 minutes or going for a run I make time in my day for my health. I mean why would we not take time to take care of the only body we have? I always knew I needed to take my health more seriously, I guess I could get away with it because I was young and had a lot of time to reverse it! Well... my time is now because if I continue my life the way it was it will take me forever to change.

I believe making sure I eat breakfast, making sure I plan meals, and not letting "time" be an excuse for eating something bad for my body. Making time for me and the only body I have is one of my main priorities now and I advise the rest of you to think the same.

I do need to take my own advice and remind you and myself "the number on the scale does NOT define you"

Until next time,

Kelsey xo

Advice for me, Advice for you!

As if it was Simple

My hypothyroidism symptoms were:

- hair loss
- VERY sleepy
- moody (which I still am)
- weight gain

Symptoms of hypothyroidism vary from case to case. Again, I am not claiming to be a health professional but, these are symptoms I over looked and only my blood test revealed. I feel so relieved to not be afraid of regular blood tests (even though it has been almost 3.5 years since I have done one) A simple test gave me the answers to my body and the problems it was facing.

Facing hypothyroidism has been an interesting battle. I think I have come to terms with it most days and others it makes me want to cry and get angry. Not angry because "why me" but angry because it is not just something you feel once and awhile it is a day to day life of feeling tired, or moody and struggling with weight. Some people are able to manage it much better than others, and those like me who are used to their body being a certain way take these changes quite hard. And even the smallest comment after I tell people about my thyroid saying, "I noticed you put on a couple pounds," or before telling them someone say, "you're developing well," or "someone has been feeding you good." Even people with the most clear conscious can't see past these comments and soon (much like me) become completely focused on them to the point of no return. I have always been exceptionally good at expressing my feelings through poetry but normally about my heartache and pain with loss, never about my negativity about my body. I had become to recognize that no woman in my life was *completely* happy with what they saw in the mirror and to me, it became a social norm that I allowed myself to conceal. Much like a closet smoker, I knew it was bad for me and that most people knew it was happening but I was doing nothing, a long with everyone around me. It became a part of me, something I got used to. Men telling me I was attractive and me laughing and say do you see these hips? these are NOT attractive hips! Not being able to take a compliment isn't humble, and it's also not being conceited if you say thank you and accept it. It is actually hurtful to those people who see your beauty to have such a reaction at their comment.

Imagine... "Wow, your baby is adorable," replying, "You're only saying that because you can't see her rolls"

Okay, so when do rolls become the cutest thing ever to the most tragic thing for a girl? I am not sure but growing up in a photoshop generation doesn't make it easy. Were fixated on perfection and don't even know what it is because it is skewed with the touch of a mouse. My weight and body image problems didn't start over night when my doctor told me I had hypothyroidism but it certainly didn't help. I often wonder what hinders us more, the way media portrays us or the way we look for the media to show us what makes us? During my first year of university I reached out to the Dove Campaign wanting to be a positive change for women of all ages. When I got the return letting the heading looked familiar to me so I did some research and discovered that Dove may have a beauty campaign but the same people own Axe, and if we have ever seen Axe commercials we know they are somewhat offensive and sexist. I mean how many women have ACTUALLY flocked on men because of their body spray? I felt a little, misguided and a little ashamed too. I mean how can they try and claim "real" beauty and then depict something entirely different in another add... I guess what ever increases sales?

I have always been able to transfer from one of the girls to one of the boys quite easily and maybe because I can identify well with both I struggle to understand my own identity and body image. Dealing with emotions about my body and self esteem is something I struggle with each and everyday. I love to stress eat, cry eat, whine eat, party eat, sit eat, think eat... I love to burry things with food because food has been something I have used to cope. Now, my thyroid hates me and I have to get back on track and start telling people when they hurt my feelings, or talking about things that happened during my day. Basically when I said "Nothing," to my mom when she asked me what was new in school, or in life, what I really should have said was everything....


Until next time,

Kelsey

A Brand New Life: "Sorta"

So, life of eating anything I wanted and it burning itself off has come to a quick and upsetting halt. Here I am at 21 years old now fighting a new life, learning to manage a thyroid that has now become lazy and barely existent. Now, every time I eat something unhealthy I feel gross and guilty (much like one should feel) however, it frustrates me because there is little to no straight answers about what IS good for those of us suffering with this condition. Some professionals say don't eat this and don't eat that, then when I consult someone else, they end up telling me the opposite. I have decided to take it upon myself to discover what works for me and what doesn't. Everybody is so unique and different so maybe it depends on our life style, what we do, what we like and how active we are. Myself, I was at a happy and healthy weight only in March and discovered my thyroid problem in July. Since March I have gained the 15 pounds I worked so hard to get off, and now struggling to get it off once again. It seems like a never ending battle that makes me want to throw the towel in..... and eat chocolate. However, that isn't who I am nor is it the example I want to set. I am not pretending to be a health professional and anything I say is through my own personal experiences and testing on my own.

The last couple days I have been practicing "clean" eating. trying to eliminate fatty foods and get my nutrients through natural foods. Me and bread have this love hate relationship. I love bread buuuuut it is hindering my progress so... for 2 days I have not had any and I am not missing it as much as I would have thought. Also, instead of white potatoes it is a full time switch to sweet potatoes. Eating lots of fruits and veggies and trying many new things I would have never tried before. Avocado hummus? yep I made it, and loved it! However, I can feel my body craving things but hoping that subsides once I start to feel better. I not only hope to achieve the weight loss with the clean eating but also, to help my thyroid start to produce the hormones its lacking again. Not sure if this will be possible, some say it is some say it is not... but I would prefer not to be on medication for the rest of my life so here's the first start to try and figure out my body.

Many may shake their heads at me, some may be happy I am writing because they don't know who to talk to about their hypothyroidism, but in the end I am doing this for myself. So that I can look back and see how I changed my own life by admitting that I need to make some serious changes before my "hypothyroidism" takes over my life.

I am constantly wearing oversized t-shirts and baggy clothes because I am completely ashamed and appalled about the weight I have. Even the littlest comments of people in my life send me over the edge not wanting to leave the house or going through 100 outfits before being able to feel what I believe to be "comfortable" I come off as someone who lets things roll off my back, not bothered by the closed minds of others. What some people don't know is how hard it was for me to go from school to school growing up begging for new friends, never completely being accepted as part of any crowd. If I was friends with you at some point and we don't talk at all anymore (ever), know I still think about you just wasn't able to conform to what I needed to feel like I was a part of that group. This is getting a little off topic and I believe that I have those people who will always be in my life for good: my advice for those in my life..

1. don't tell me I'm "brave" for wearing a bikini, what the hell is that supposed to mean anyways? that because of my body I should be happy that I am strong enough to ignore what I look like in the mirrior. (Awkward, "thanks")

2. "OMG you look so nice all dressed up" -  well first of all thanks for the compliment but I have never been a girly girl, I would trade a dress for a ball cap and jeans any day. However, can't you just say I look nice, instead of making it a HUGE deal that I did my hair. I love my messy bun, embrace it with me.

3. Kelsey, seriously you look "fine" - in one context one would think someone was calling me a foxy lady but this isn't how it normally goes.. its more like get dressed I want to leave, and if you change one more time I am leaving without you. Well... this leaves an everlasting impression on how I view clothes, they suck and make me look worse than I usually feel.

Really, I just want to be the healthiest 21 year-old-girl I could possibly become and sometimes society and the world around us makes it difficult to achieve what we feel to be bodily success. Maybe I am being over critical and the sociologist in me wants to not be affected by these stereotypes and problems. However, I have to remember I do have a medical condition that makes losing the weight a little more difficult, this is me telling you excuses aside.. I want to change, I just need to learn how and with the help of my friends and family I hope to achieve this even with hypothyroidism.


Until next time,

Kelsey